"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -Buddha.
I watched Oprah yesterday. Yes, my unemployment has already reached that point, at least until it gets warmer outside. It was a horrific story of abuse I won't share, but there was a profound moment. Oprah spoke a definition of forgiveness she was given on a previous show.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."
I thought about this a lot overnight, and then Frank and I talked about it this morning at length. What an interesting way to describe what we have been trying to teach our grandchildren.
Most of us go through the world thinking that forgiveness is a two-way street. If I have been betrayed or wronged, then to forgive is to let the other person off the hook. Since we are flesh-and-blood human beings with egos, this is a nearly-impossible task for most of us, even when we realize that there is nothing we can do to punish the evildoer.
So we are doomed to let the resentment fester, pretending to the world and ourselves that we have reached some sort of peace, which is usually nothing more than an acceptance of our powerlessness over the situation. And only late at night, in the dark, we allow ourselves to play the "if-only" game, and then we put it away for the daytime.
So imagine how it would feel to truly drop the hot coal and let go of the anger. Give up the hope that the past could have been any different because the truth is this: You cannot change the past. Take a breath now and think about this: You cannot change the past. Give up the hope that the past could have been any different.
If you have done what you can to rectify the wrong, if you have done what you know is right, then what else can you do? It is no longer within your power to punish the other person. It is your choice whether to punish yourself.
The Buddha also said, "we are not punished for our anger, we are punished by our anger."
Forgiveness doesn't have to be about letting the other person off the hook. It's about setting yourself free. It's about not giving your power away. It's about not picking up the coal to begin with.
Choose for yourself. Forgive because you are worth it.
I watched Oprah yesterday. Yes, my unemployment has already reached that point, at least until it gets warmer outside. It was a horrific story of abuse I won't share, but there was a profound moment. Oprah spoke a definition of forgiveness she was given on a previous show.
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."
I thought about this a lot overnight, and then Frank and I talked about it this morning at length. What an interesting way to describe what we have been trying to teach our grandchildren.
Most of us go through the world thinking that forgiveness is a two-way street. If I have been betrayed or wronged, then to forgive is to let the other person off the hook. Since we are flesh-and-blood human beings with egos, this is a nearly-impossible task for most of us, even when we realize that there is nothing we can do to punish the evildoer.
So we are doomed to let the resentment fester, pretending to the world and ourselves that we have reached some sort of peace, which is usually nothing more than an acceptance of our powerlessness over the situation. And only late at night, in the dark, we allow ourselves to play the "if-only" game, and then we put it away for the daytime.
So imagine how it would feel to truly drop the hot coal and let go of the anger. Give up the hope that the past could have been any different because the truth is this: You cannot change the past. Take a breath now and think about this: You cannot change the past. Give up the hope that the past could have been any different.
If you have done what you can to rectify the wrong, if you have done what you know is right, then what else can you do? It is no longer within your power to punish the other person. It is your choice whether to punish yourself.
The Buddha also said, "we are not punished for our anger, we are punished by our anger."
Forgiveness doesn't have to be about letting the other person off the hook. It's about setting yourself free. It's about not giving your power away. It's about not picking up the coal to begin with.
Choose for yourself. Forgive because you are worth it.
great piece. It'll be fermenting along with some other thoughts and be distilled at a later date.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder of what forgiveness really means. I have a close friend who is almost like a sister to me, friends since '81. She is and has been a 'mess' with alcohol and can be a difficult person to deal with, as anyone who knows a friend/family member with substance abuse problems will agree. But the shining gem in her heart was that she forgave her stepfather for sexual molestation that happened she was 10-12 years old. She has a good, solid relationship with him, albeit uncomfortable at times. Yes, she works out her demons in her alcohol abuse, but has been a dedicated geriatric nurse for 20 years(and had worked with the developmentally disabled for a time). To forgive someone who violated your childhood is an amazing act to me.
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